I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
