He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
