so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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