YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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