It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
