Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
