I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
