it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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