You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
