If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to calm my uterus...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
