it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
