it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
