I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
