I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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