You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
