my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
