Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
