I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
