Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
