Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
