it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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