if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
