Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
