peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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