Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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