Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I love having hate sex.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
