around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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