2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
