watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
