you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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