you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
