it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
