Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
