i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
