My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
