Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
