So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
