I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
