she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
