the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
