This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
