Soap is not a condiment
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
