i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
