the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
