Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
MIDGETS
????
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
