The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
