there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
