he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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