I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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