Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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