Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
