Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
