You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
