Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
