you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
