the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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