doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs are out for the taking
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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