I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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