He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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