im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
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Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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