I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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